Perfectly Undone

“So what you are saying is that you have to be perfect even when you are having a meltdown.”

I bristled at the comment, thinking OF COURSE NOT! Isn’t the whole process of breaking down one in which you just become a hot, crying mess in the midst of your trouble. Unable or unwanting to hold it together you have a snot flowing, body heaving, falling on your knees crying Lord please help kind of session? But then I thought about my “breakdown-let it all out sessions.” I usually light some candles, turn off my phone, and tell God—we gotta talk. Yeah, I cry, but usually with the expectation of some resolution in the end. Shoot maybe I’m just a romantic or have a flair for the dramatic—hence the candles. But no way am I such a control freak or perfectionist that I try to have it all together, even when I’m supposed to be falling apart. After mulling over all of this I look around the room filled with successful, black women, we had more degrees than Phoenix, AZ on its hottest day. Yet, many of us were grappling with and discussing the pains of our hearts. For some it was the fact that another birthday has come and no man or kids are in sight…that is hardly my concern. I was grappling with the fact that I am tired of struggling. Not in the keeping your head above water sense. More in the I’ve been an overachiever for most of my life and I’m tired of getting everything right or striving for the best. I’m ready to make decisions that are best for me, but may not necessarily look great on my resume. But I have no idea how to do it. So began my journey of deconstructing my desire to be perfectly undone. I’m trying and willing to let myself be wayward and at times a mess. This blog is a peek into my life and times as I work to let my perfection go undone.